We often focus on the words.
But tone is usually what people remember.
The emotional intent behind how we say something can change the entire meaning of a message – particularly at work, where pressure, frustration and speed can quietly shape the way we come across.
In this video, I explore why tone matters so much, the small shifts that can make a significant difference, and a simple technique that can help us communicate with more awareness and choice.
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Transcript:
Tone, or what I define as the emotional intent behind our words.
It’s incredibly powerful.
We hear words and tone at the same time.
But there’s clear research showing that when they slice very small sections of vocal style, people hear the voice, and they take on – almost immediately within milliseconds – the person’s intent, the positional power, all of the things behind that.
And this is another reason why emojis are so useful in a workplace, if you’ve got emails, for example:
Because we can receive a positive intent email and see it as neutral, and a neutral email we can receive as negative. So we drop a level.
And sometimes I work with people – and I’ve done it myself – where we’re not always either aware of the tone in which we’re saying something, or we are aware of it but we don’t catch it in time.
So there are two factors in play there:
The first is to get that awareness and then to practice sounding different.
And then, of course, the second one is to take that breath, to calibrate what’s going on internally so that it does sound it has the intent that we choose when we say it externally.
And that’s not always sucking it up and being lovely about something if we don’t feel it, but it’s having that small gap – that gap between the stimulus and the response.
That means that we do, in that moment, usually have a choice about the tone that then comes out of our mouth.
To give you an example:
I’m working with a client at the moment who’s very senior – there’s a lot of discussion from employees about contracts (things have been decided and are now complete).
People are still coming to my client and going,
“Oh, can’t I…? Isn’t this part of…?”
And she replies:
“No, it isn’t.”
And this person’s a bit “over it”, so their tone is not working all that well!
Which has potential ongoing ramifications.
We’re looking at 2 things to improve this:
Awareness of how they’re actually coming across.
Calibrating speed – the slowing down that’s often needed to access what’s then required.
I have a suggestion for you, if tone is a factor and you think:
“I could actually improve my relationships at work or with one particular person who’s problematic – I know I don’t have the best tone with them.”
You could think of it in this way:
I often talk about how we metaphorically (and sometimes literally) “turn away” from somebody, or we turn “towards them”.
This person you have to deal with – you’ve probably already turned away from them in your mind…your tone will most likely follow suit.
One way that is shown to work is this:
Think of a particular situation or person where you would like to respond differently.
Then think of someone you admire where you say to yourself:
“Oh, I really like how they do this. I love their tone when they’re communicating this idea to this person, or this message.”
Then, if you imagine being in that person’s body, mind, voice, head – whatever it is – you can actually demonstrate that.
You’ll find that your tone will shift automatically because it’s come from this internal shift: you’ve moved a bit away from your natural style and taken on someone else’s.
This “acting as if” technique works for a lot of different things.
It works for body language too very well. But sticking to tone today – it definitely can help with tone!
If you’re interested in that one, give it a go with one person today.
I’d love to hear how you go.
Step Up | Be Heard | Stand Out
